When someone dies, it is a painful experience for those who are left behind.
People go through a period of grieving as they mourn the loss of a friend
or relative -- or even a much beloved pet.
Bereavement counselors are trained to support and assist people who are
going through the grieving process. They help clients cope with the loss of
their loved one and understand the changes this means to their life.
Barbara Mallory is a psychologist in private practice. Bereavement counseling
is one of the services she provides, and it has always been her special interest.
"I became interested in bereavement counseling because I am interested
in death and dying, and how we react to those things. I had experienced some
personal losses," says Mallory. "I didn't handle those losses very well at
all at the time."
There are a lot of myths and misunderstandings about grief and bereavement.
All too often, we praise a person for being "brave and strong" when faced
with the death of someone significant, and we feel uncomfortable when they
cry or want to talk about their feelings. But if people don't allow themselves
to grieve and feel the pain at the time, those bottled-up feelings can cause
problems for them later.
Mallory says many people come to her because they're experiencing problems
with anxiety. When she begins working with them, it sometimes turns out that
their anxiety is related to a death that occurred many years earlier, a loss
they had never dealt with. The client doesn't realize, initially, that unresolved
grief is causing their problem. In such a case, bereavement counseling is
needed.
"The difficult parts of the work occur when I encounter someone who has
great resistance to letting the loved one go," Mallory says. "With many people,
that resistance can be dispersed or removed by welcoming the loved one back
through pictures, remembering, [and] acquainting me with the loved one."
For Mallory, the rewards are great. "The most rewarding times are those
moments of delightful humor that occur when the client recalls absurdities
and funny anecdotes, and we laugh together. It's very rewarding to see a client's
depression lift and see them begin to appreciate the gifts of having had the
loved one in their life."
Alan Taplow, a volunteer bereavement counselor, agrees there are rewards
in seeing people heal and move on with their lives.
"It's satisfying to know that you can help make a difference in somebody's
life," he says. "It's a way of paying back some of the good fortune I've had
in my own life. I get satisfaction out of seeing changes in people and helping
them see the light at the end of the tunnel. I try to show people that there
are alternative ways of acting or reacting -- to give them new behaviors to
put in their bag of tricks."
Taplow's interest in bereavement issues started over 20 years ago, when
his son was diagnosed with cancer. Happily, his son responded positively to
treatment, but the experience left Taplow with an interest in helping other
people cope with grief. He has been studying and volunteering in various capacities
ever since.
"I contacted a couple of hospices and took volunteer training with them,"
he says. "I also took workshops with the late Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and her
staff." Kubler-Ross was a noted specialist in issues of death and dying. "After
that, I began working with the families of hospice patients, and began leading
a grievance support group."
Taplow's most intense memory is one of working closely with the family
of a young man who had contracted AIDS. Over a 10-month period, Taplow met
with the patient and his family at least twice a week and helped them deal
with the young man's inevitable death.
Several years ago, Taplow was invited to run an Alternatives to Violence
program at a men's prison. Throughout the course of his activities at the
prison, Taplow became aware that prisoners often face the death of a loved
one while they are incarcerated. Prison culture discourages them from expressing
grief in traditional ways. In prison, it is not acceptable, and may even be
dangerous, to express feelings, to cry or to talk openly to others.
Taplow developed a method of helping incarcerated people handle grief in
ways that are acceptable within the prison environment. He freely passes on
his information to others who can use it to good advantage.
"If you are going to do this work, don't focus on the money," advises Taplow.
"People have to be compensated for their efforts, but if the focus is on the
money, then the work won't be effective. Focus on the person you are helping.
If you do that well, the money will come."
Cendra Lynn, a clinical psychologist in private practice, agrees.
"You always know that you're helping other people," says Lynn. "It's certainly
a profession in which you will never have to ask yourself whether you spent
your life well. You can sleep at night. I receive messages all the time from
people thanking me for my help."